Smiling

To put it lightly, life has been one hell of a struggle lately.

Consider it, metaphorically, an earthquake that shattered my world in a short week's time a few months ago. Turning 24 isn't all that it's cracked up to be in my world. For the rest of my life, I have to consider this time in my life either an absolute disaster, or a turning point. It's up to me to figure that out. Does this have a deadline?

Just when life told me to give up, stay in bed, keep failing...along with a lot of help, I fought my way out of that dark place. This is the second time I've had to cope with the darkness of depression. I've emerged out of the abyss with a smile—a pained, damaged smile, but a smile nonetheless that shines through with comfort and care that did not exist prior to this ordeal.

I thank my friends and family for putting up with me. They all deserve so much for doing that.

I've changed due to the circumstances. I have full control over where I want to go, what I want to do, and how I want to do it. No longer do I have to be held back by location, by conflicts, by anything. I'm beginning my process of moving on from so many things. In 2014, I have quit or moved on from everything I ever did or had in my life prior.

In the midst of no job, no relationship, and no prospects, I was down, defeated, and more than ready to just pack it in. Here I am, still smiling, still cracking a sarcastic quip, trying to help the people around me before I even help myself.

I've felt this internal, intrinsic change in my motivation. I want to be a true, genuine me—more me than I've ever been. When you're depressed, your mind tells you to be the farthest thing from you. It wants you to stay down. Stay in bed. Don't care anymore. Give up. Why even bother anymore if you're sad?

Why give up, though? I've never been known to be someone who is exactly the most positive, but I have found reasons to be positive. I met some inspiring people. I won the next-step-in-the-career war shortly after meeting these people. They gave me the ability to look myself in the mirror and say "Jordan Kuhns is worth something."

Do I still hurt daily? Yeah. Depression never goes away. It's just there. You won't understand until you have it.

When it's all said and done, Jordan Kuhns will show you that even when it gets bad, there is always a way out...through a good deed...through helping others, who in turn, help you. They listen. Care. Love. Appreciate.

I'll find a way, smiling, even on the days where it feels impossible.