The Past in Present

I experienced some strange sensations today.

There's a supermarket near my house. Since it's so close to where I live, a lot of people I knew from high school frequent the place. These are people I haven't talked to in years, or people I just don't want to talk to for various reasons. Yet for whatever reason, sometimes I do end up chatting, or sometimes I feign ignorance and don't say a word.

I thought about something. I knew I was actually friends and then eventually Facebook friends with these people at some point. Then I remember...I haven't seen or heard a thing from this person in ages. Turns out they've unfriended me. They've cast me aside in their life. I wondered why for a fleeting moment, because things were so good at one point. Things change so fast.

I walked around with the same scowl as I did back then. It's a stoic look. A defense mechanism against people who, at some point, could take advantage of me. This look and attitude said no more. I had no idea where it came from. I haven't been like that in years. It just kind of...happened.

I had no intention of talking to this person I really liked at one point. He was a good guy. Someone who really helped in getting a school business off the ground, gaining massive profits for the entire class. Someone I talked to in orchestra because he was a gamer like me. Things changed so much that I just didn't talk to him. He didn't acknowledge me either. It's like we never knew each other.

I may be in broadcasting, but as a part of my degree, I had to learn and write about communication theory—the science and paradigms behind why we communicate with each other the way we do. I discovered almost doomsday-centric research studies predicting we're headed for a social meltdown. We won't be able to express each other because of the way we communicate now.

I know people come and go. I've seen people I've talked to for ages on other social media avenues just outright leave, never to speak with me ever again. It's sad. We just change so much, and then don't express ourselves to each other the way we did in the past. The present just feels awkward and disjointed. I don't feel like I have many sincere relationships anymore.

Even when I do catch up with someone who may have known me, and things may have been good then, sometimes I forget who they are entirely. I just speak for the sake of speaking. I tell them what I've been up to. I can tell they don't care. They're only talking to me because it's happenstance. It's not sincere. It's merely formality.

I have a friend that is now working in Missouri. At one point, he told me he was unsure about that journey. I almost wondered how awesome it must be to completely start over. It must be amazing to meet new people and forge actual, sincere relationships that aren't awkward or disjointed. There wouldn't be a past holding you back. There would be a present to keep you moving.

I feel uninspired and unchallenged. I find myself needing a restart button. College was a good start, but a new job or a move is next. I need an atmosphere that inspires me...a view out my window that says I live here. This is my place in the world.

I want a new beginning. I want a present I can be proud of without a past I'm not proud of holding me back.

Unfavorable

We were warned about it years ago. If you go into this industry, be prepared for a long layover of nothing. Then once you get there, be prepared to make nothing.

I'm pretty much making close to nothing to broadcast games already. I love what I do, though. I do it for the people that do listen or watch, even if it's for just one person. A hockey game I did last weekend had only eight viewers. Not only do I improve as a broadcaster by doing it, but I learn that nothing worth doing comes easily.

You find yourself against a situation where you just wouldn't want to do it. Your team is getting smacked down, losing by 60 points in 30 degree weather, wind blowing in your face for four hours while you attempt and describe how the fans are furious, how the coaches sitting next to you are furious, and how the team looks listless. All positive things, certainly.

You find yourself looking at the viewer count of an online hockey game staying at eight. You want it to be 30. 30 is a good, average day. But it stays at eight. You wonder, what in the world else can I do? But you keep going. You do it for those eight people, because they care. You do it for the undeserved recognition from the people that care.

There are times you just have people around you that think you're somehow the best at what you do. Overwhelmingly so. In fact, at the latest game, a new group of parents pulled me aside to tell me they don't know what they would do without me. I bring them in, make them laugh, and hopefully lead them to victory. It's something I've never heard before then.

I sometimes wish they had perspective, though. I've said it before...I'm waiting for someone to say that I suck at what I do to my face. Not over Twitter, not over social networking, not through competition judging sheets, but to my face. You are a horrible broadcaster. Then I would have something to fight for. Fighting for "you're great" has almost made me take my foot off of the gas.

Sparse opportunity exists out there to change things. I'm looking for that next challenge. Faster hockey, something really professional, larger viewership or listenership, fans that want to know things...a place where I can be an authority on a team or a situation. Somewhere I'm the go-to. Somewhere that I'm the man.

I'm the farthest thing from egotistical, and the last person that will tell you I'm great at what I do. I feel like I'm constantly trying to improve. I look to my peers to figure out new ways to do things. I'm new to this whole thing in a way. Most times I just take the opinions gracefully with a thank you, and remind myself there is work to be done.

I'm hoping that the next wave of applications I sent out will lead to something. If not, it could be a while until I'm in that position. Honestly, it has been a trying wait. I check every day, only to find nothing new, or nothing obtainable. It's frustrating.

I have to be grateful for what I have, and work off of that. It's an unfavorable path in an unfavorable business. It was my choice, and I intend to do something with it.