Routines broken, new routines begun.
Things change so fast when you move away. No matter how temporary, adjustments to new life happen instantaneously. What once was "wake up whenever you feel like it," becomes "I must wake up at 8, or else I will lose my livelihood." The livelihood I have worked relentlessly towards for three years. To a fault.
Three years of "waking up whenever I feel like it," feeling like a lazy son-of-a-gun after such a successful college career, took its toll. There's only so many times you can prop yourself up after another failed attempt at making your life work. Another promising opportunity, shot down. You're not the right fit. Too bad.
There's only so many times you can say "I'm going to make this work," clinging to this dream you had from the start. The 17-year-old staring at his TV, defying all personality expectations to become something more than he was. "I'll be that someday," I said to my parents. "I'm going to do this."
Did I? Sure. "Go here, do that," was my schedule. Never anything full-time. When this opportunity came up, I had to take it, regardless of circumstances, payment, location, anything. I had to move away. Get away from the staleness that was my life. Constant reminders of a painful year. A relationship gone wrong. A dream failing before my eyes.
Now I find myself 650 miles south of where I was before chasing that dream again. There's some sort of inherent happiness in this state of South Carolina. The people here are happy. It's not like the cynical north, it's a joyous south. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people express their happiness so openly to each other. "We're so excited," they say. They have a thirst for life.
I find myself trying to rediscover how to be happy. Truly happy. Where if I say "I am happy," I really am. It's so easy to fake it. Anyone can put forth an edited version of their lives. Smiles that mean nothing. Adventures that crush you more than help you soar.
For the rest of my life, I know I will struggle with this teetering scale. Happiness isn't the thing that becomes magnified. It's the sadness. When you've known the dark side more, you seem to identify with it more. "Why do you have to be so negative all the time?" I'm sure positive people were happy children. Blessed with social skills. Comfortable with themselves. Oh, and not overweight. That always helps too.
Maybe by the end of all of this, I'll be as happy as these people in the south are. Happy with my new circumstances, the fact that my dream is back on track, and happy that I continued to make a difference.
I bought a whiteboard for my office. The first thing I'm going to write on the top is "Win the day." I may feel completely drained of all effort at the end of each day, but I will have strived to win. Just like I've worked hard to get here. I won't let that part of me go.
I'll prove you wrong.
