I'm having perhaps the biggest doubts in my life on the heels of happenings around me. I find myself stuck in a stagnant life pattern that feels so wasteful. Here I am, trying to be proactive as possible to find something, anything to become my new life...to no avail. I'm stuck in an old lifestyle that I want to break out of immediately.
While a childish sentiment, I want a new adventure. I want to meet new people, experience new things, realize that what I've been told isn't exactly right. I want to know I can make a real difference somewhere. Sitting at home isn't doing anything remotely close enough to satiate this hunger.
I've wanted to be an example for people. I wanted to show that if you had no experience in something, and your personality completely clashed with your line of work, you could find a way and make it work. Right now, I'm failing miserably and failing the people I wanted to show. The worst part is, the people I wanted to prove this to don't even know that's my intention.
I've repeatedly said I'm okay with the small time right now. I'll never complain about that. I don't know my viewer or listener numbers, and frankly, that doesn't matter to me. But I don't want to be a failure story. I worked too hard to become a failure story. I didn't live "the college lifestyle" of constant partying and hanging out with friends 24/7. I worked to attain cum laude status and become a multi award-winning college broadcaster. I worked hard.
I know I'm doing something right. But I'm also doing something really wrong, too. I keep telling people of my tribulations, and I end up with suggestions that just don't speak to me, or make sense. You should become a DJ. Where? Why? You should become an editor. With what advanced skills? Many can beat me with editing prowess. You should write. Where? And how? I'm not a classically trained reporter. I just know how to write.
Something needs to change. I need a big break. I might have just achieved one, but it's not for sure. If that doesn't fall through, I'm stuck for months looking for work. More nights of accomplishing nothing. I'm wasting away in a stagnant lifestyle that I'm getting way too sick of. Going to bed very late, waking up late, working on nothing all day every day until the weekends, when I work. I look forward to weekends for the complete opposite reason.
Maybe soon there will be change. But until then, I feel uninspired. I feel so blasé. I don't want to keep wasting my life and becoming a failure.
