Reflections on the Past

There are times, after looking at what I wrote coming into Millersville, that I want to grab 18-year-old me, and slam him to the ground. I want to tell him he's an idiot, a fool, a naive little baby for thinking the way he did. He was scared out of his mind, concerned with leaving things behind and beginning anew. He was afraid of change. Over the past couple years, I've rolled with the punches that this crazy town in central Pennsylvania has dealt to me.

Oddly enough, my thoughts are very much similar to what I thought then, just a lot more focused, and a lot more mature.

I cried twice today. I'm on pace to cry a lot more. That weak form of me four years ago did the same thing. I feel scared of what's to come. Same thing happened four years ago. I'm afraid to leave and begin anew. I'm afraid to forge a path that is simply one that is called my own, with little guidance from outside sources. I may be beginning a life where I am the only one I know.

I talked to my friend Luke, who will be doing something similar as he is moving to Missouri soon. He will know one person, and that's it. He said there's something kind of exciting about starting over. Moreover, there's something extremely scary about starting over.

Times like these, I think of "Younglife" by Anberlin.

There are times I want to crawl in a little nostalgic hole and forget everything. I want to go back to playing video games for hours. I want to go back to a time where hockey was nothing to me. I want to go back to a time where I loved the few friends I had, and I was around them all the time, not knowing that one day, that era would end.

"I wanna do it again."

That little naive Jordan is coming right back out again. The one that even I want to throw on the ground and tell him to shut up. Yeah, I know, bullying myself, how hypocritical. 

There are so many little things that I remember about life as a student. There are so many regrets I have. Being weak, turning that weakness into arrogance...but I believe I have redeemed myself through a self-revolution, turning that arrogance into grace. I'm fully aware of my weakness, but I will continue to press on the way I said I would at the beginning.

God's got my back. So do the people that matter.

My thoughts may change within moments, but I figured I'd get this down before I forget it.

Response

It's been a month, I suppose I've been too wrapped up in the feelings of graduation, but I did come across something to write about. I wrote about how earlier, a purpose I've seemed to grow into is being an advocate against bullying and other related acts. For an event the Millersville communications department invites high schools around the area to participate in an on-the-spot competition, something came up right away.

My group decided to produce a video about bullying. I instantaneously approved of the idea, and led them to a spot where they could shoot the video. It didn't turn out the greatest—the editing decisions weren't exactly the best, even if it was under pressure. However, that isn't the point of this blog. The point was the reception to this video in particular.

To clarify, the story is of a kid on his way to class, as he bumps into a "tough guy" who knocks him to the ground, kicking him while he's down, tearing his backpack off and throwing it on him while he's prone. One girl, while texting and walking by, does nothing, saying "what a loser" and the guy far away minding his own business takes responsibility and drives the guy away, helps the kid up and sends him on his way. The video then ended with the startling statistics that this subject comes with.

Problem is, during the showing, the entire classroom of high school and middle school kids began laughing as soon as the tough guy dropped the kid to the ground. The concept of bullying was a complete joke to these people. As the girl said "what a loser," the laughing intensified. The statistics came, and the room went silent.

We've hit two obstacles in drawing attention to this subject: people perceive harassment as a joke, and they don't recognize bullying as a problem. I can remember, clear as day...in 8th grade, Indian Crest decided to provide awareness on the issue. Too bad I was one of the only people listening, as the people around me murmured, "why are we even here? this doesn't happen here?" I beg to differ.

The proof of it happening was sitting right next to them in silence.

Sometimes I wonder why exactly people can be so ignorant to the fact that this exists, and it affects lives in dramatic ways. The simplest things people say can have a huge effect on a life. I've been called worthless before. If I didn't have the support of my best friend at the time, who knows where I'd be? Dead? Maybe.

I just want people to understand that bullying is not funny. It does not deserve a laugh. It deserves action. It deserves advocacy. It has been swept under the rug for the longest time, and I won't stand for that. Right now, it starts with us. It starts with our generation. If we can move past that and teach our children the right way, maybe we can improve the issue.

It's time to throw this stupid behavior out the window. It's time to value each other as individuals. We all exist, and we're here together, like it or not. Make sure you're not intentionally ruining someone else's life because of your actions. The people who get the most attacks are the ones that need the most help. Will you be the solution?

I vow to be part of the solution.