Fear

There are certain sensations that come to mind when weather happens to be a certain way. Like today, it was a cloudy day with a chill in the air. It takes me back to walking to the bus, or being outside playing baseball as a child...just the little things. Once it starts getting hotter, I'll envision times where I would be outside in the hot weather, clamoring to come inside to the cool A/C, and do nothing for hours except play video games...and none of that new crap, I'm talking about the old classics.

I remember times at Jordan's house, going into the freezing cold pool in the summer only to come inside and have macaroni and cheese in his freezing cold house. It's the little things.

In two months, I may never, ever get to do any of that again. And goddammit, I'm scared as hell. I don't know any different life. I've never had a full time job. Part of me is scared that I won't enjoy what I do as a job. Something tells me I'll burn out. As hard as I've worked to ensure something, it still hasn't guaranteed anything.

I'm scared.

I get comments as if people say I'm guaranteed a future in this business, but I'm starting to wonder, why? I have a talent, but there are people that go to better schools, have better opportunities, and have better connections...it is they who have guarantees. I chose Millersville for no real good reason. I've only made the most out of rural central Pennsylvania.

Do I regret my decision? No. But am I scared of the ramifications of my decision? Yes. I know so many talented people I've seen go through the ranks, but it took them plenty of time to find something, or in some of their cases, they can't find anything. I'm afraid that's going to be me.

I mean, I can look at Chuck Gormley, currently a writer for Comcast Sportsnet Mid-Atlantic. He is a graduate of Millersville University, and he hit it pretty big.

All I want, and I know I'm not the only one, is life to go back to the way it used to be, in a way. All I want to be is that kid that played Sega Genesis all day. I don't want to have to worry about life.

Part of me wants to completely change my life goal, but I know this is really the only thing I'm good at. So it's either put up, or shut up, unfortunately. And so I go on...only hoping it all works out. I don't want to be so scared anymore.